What do you do when you’re in the middle of your own internal hell, sick with a new virus no one knows anything about, nursing another injury, attempting to get your brand-new online business going, struggling to be present for your full-time day job, running a household, and your person comes to you about wanting to change your entire lives? My internal initial reaction was not pretty.
Almost everyone I know in the helping others industries has admitted that doing and teaching are usually not the same. A child play therapist can spend all day helping clients learn how to parent their challenging younglings then go home and become a momster to her own. Nurses lecture patients about proper self-care, but all the ones I personally know struggles with diet and exercise because of their intense schedules. Many fitness instructors don’t work out for THEM, all their time and energy is spent working on things for their clients. With that thought in mind, when Andrew* asked me about a life change, I decided to accept the challenge to “coach” a family member.
Anyone who has spent their entire life in small town Montana knows that this state is extremely “clickish.” Unfortunately, the mentality does not end for many people when they get out of high school and can affect workplaces as adults. This is basically what started to happen at Andrews office. His kind-of bosses/colleagues, the “club”, all grew up from the same town, which happened to be high school rivals of the town he went to grade school in. Ridiculous, immature, and unfortunately a real thing around here. Andrew works in IT and was the only IT personnel. That meant he had to advocate for what he knew was the correct course of action
while also fulfilling the desires of the kind-of bosses. It’s a complicated set-up.
Tell me what you want, what you really really want
When Andrew asked how I felt about him applying for a job in another state, my initial reaction was a mixed of: You want me to what?!; What about XYZ?; Bye bitch; Maybe a new lifestyle is what we need. But I had to put on my “coach face” and hear him out. Upon listening to his issues, we came to a list of non-negotiables that would have to happen before I could agree to possibly walk away from all I worked so hard to achieve. With that list in hand, he started to apply for jobs from coast to coast that met the criteria. During the start of the pandemic. Not the best time to be job hunting, but there you have it.
Andrew had a lot of internal work to do during this process. He had never really had to work hard to find work, especially in his fields. Applying for so many jobs with very few responses was a crushing experience. I can’t count how many times I had to remind him that intentional transformation is not easy, but it’s better than forced transformation in the same part of life.
Learning to be true to you
Eventually, Andrew got an offer in state. While he was a bit relieved to have gotten an offer, I could tell he also didn’t want to take it. But was saying NO really an option to him? Now what kind of “coach” would I be if I didn’t use this as a learning opportunity for him? *Insert slightly evil laugh* Time to check the boxes then acknowledge the emotions.
The pay was much better. (Box checked) No one would HAVE to move. (Sounds good) The location was at least an hour drive in good weather one way. (Not liking that idea. Montana winters can SUCK.) He could remote 2 days a week, but ONLY Tuesday and Thursday. (Okayeee, that’s stupid.) He would be the only IT staff member for a 24/7 facility. (There’s the nope.)
The hardest part about trying to “coach” a partner is trying to be a partner yet not at the same time. To be honest, our relationship wasn’t in the best place before all of this. Part of me was wanting him to bounce out, part of me wanted to see if he had it in him to change into what I need. That was also an….interesting….equation in all this drama. I had to make a choice of how to act. I chose to detach and let him figure what he wanted while asking the hard questions. His choices would help guide me on our status.
So many hard questions, and I had to let him answer alone. How would taking this job improve the stress you already have from being an IT department of one? Will the pay actually be worth it when you consider travel costs? If you want us to work on this relationship, what kind of impact would this position have? Etc. He did end up turning the job down when he realized the cons greatly outweighed the pros, and that YES, saying NO was an option.
So what’s next
After many more applications and interviews, Andrew ended up getting a job offer in Vermont. Yup, all the way across the country. Can we say excitement and anxiety attack at the same time? The offer checked off a lot of boxes, so he accepted it with a newfound personal empowerment that he could change his mind later if desired. He went online, found a realtor, had some video meetings, and we booked some tickets to check out the state.
Vermont is a lot like Montana. Mountains, snow, trees, a beautiful picture in every direction, not a ton of people, rural. The biggest difference we both noticed is even though we were traveling in a pandemic, people there were easier to be around. I didn’t get side-eyed going into a store, which still happens in the town I’ve lived in for 8 years. People held doors without that smug “you’re welcome” attitude. It was great, except for many of the pandemic restrictions were frustrating to deal with; so many places closed to walk in and those that were open closed their bathrooms. Temporary issues.
The original job Andrew was offered was having issues with federal contracts, so he didn’t have an official start date. With that knowledge, and how much we both liked the area, Andrew kept applying for jobs, but narrowed down to that corner of the country. I saw a huge transformation growth in him. He was more confident in his job prospects, he was relieved to “know” he was getting out of the current job on HIS terms, and he was excited in a way I had never seen him before. After a couple additional job offers, he ended up settling on a different one that had a much better pay in a less expensive part of Vermont. Winner-Winner Chicken Dinner!
Time for Change
Our amazing Realtor & friend Nicole helped us find a house to buy. What would that mean for us? Andrew, all the animals, and some other family members that are renting the apartment within the house moved in July 2021. *Moving tip: Use an RV if you’re relocating long distance with animals.*
I decided that for an unknown length of time I would not move, and travel between the two states. The space has helped us figure out what we each really need. Not living full-time in the same house in almost a year, especially during the pandemic, has been awakening to both of us, helping us see what we really want in life, from ourselves, and what we need in a partnership.
Helping Andrew transform, especially while I’ve been in such a personally brutal recovery & transformation process, has been an ascending experience. Seeing growth and positive change in someone you were ready to give up on is an amazing feeling. I cannot predict what the future will look like, but this experience has set us both up to be emotionally stronger, confident, and able to see the flicker of light when things seem too dark to handle.