But did you die? Almost. – Recovering from Long Illness
When you get sick with a mystery virus, no one has any good guidance. When that mystery virus acts like a toddler changing its mind every 30 seconds, life becomes even more difficult.
Getting COVID-19, at the end of October 2019, when the world was barely beginning to realize it was a thing, changed my life. I thought it would be like every other bug I had caught in my life…..get sick, get better, move on with life. Though that’s somewhat true, it’s also somewhat false.
As I’m writing this post, scientists are still trying to figure out WTF with this modern-day plague and its MANY varying symptoms. Some of us have long term mysterious affects that we may never recover from, and they are different for each individual. I’ve gotten used to having to pay more attention to my physical state due to how easily certain joints get injured. What I wasn’t expecting with this illness was the huge set-back in my mental & emotional health. In hindsight, that set back was also probably one of the best intentional transformations I’ve gone through so far.
The Pillars of Transformation was a process I created to help me work through life’s messy hurricanes. Each pillar is its own part of the process that my analytical brain can use to help me intentionally move forward with a specific purpose. Depending on the current desire of change, one pillar may take longer to go through than others, but it’s all part of the process. It’s the combination of each pillar that creates the stable foundation for transformation. Does that mean once I get through the pillars I’m cured of that issue? No. Things can happen putting you right back in the situation, but having gone through the work once, makes it easier to evolve through it the next time.
That freaking virus concocted from a crevice in hell made dealing with life so difficult that for many months part of me really wanted to die. The defiant part of me wanted to live and prove it all wrong. What was so awful about my experience? These are the worst parts:
– Breathing is more difficult. I’ve had activity induced asthma since middle school, which sucks because I’ve always been active. Until the dang modern plague tagged me it was easily manageable. I used to only use my inhaler prior to known trigger activities, and occasionally at other times when needed. Now, I must carry the inhaler with me all the time. Sometimes walking across the house is enough to make me use the dang thing, sometimes I can go for a fast walk and be fine. It’s no longer predictable, therefore more difficult to manage.
– Fatigue. This is also extremely unpredictable. Last summer I helped move a significant part of my household across the country. My energy levels seemed “normal” during the trip. Some days my Fitbit can’t even break 1000 steps. Laying on the couch barely paying attention to whatever’s on tv is exhausting.
– What was I doing? Memory loss has been super frustrating. It seems to ride with the fatigue. I’ve had to become more diligent about making lists and writing things down. I don’t know how I’ve been able to fake it through work where I’m the “expert” in certain things.
– Exercise induced illness. This one emotionally hurts worse than the physical issues. Physical activity can induce flu-like symptoms. Being active is important for all around health, and I’ve always been an active person. Teaching fitness classes, especially to the lesser ability bodies, has been an extremely important part of my healing & transformation process over the past 7 years. At the moment I can regularly manage 1 low impact online class per week and, usually, 1 day to work on house projects. I’m SLOWLY getting to where I can handle more each week. Cardio seems to be a bigger issue than light “weight” actives. It is super heartbreaking not being able to offer more Zoom fitness times to people yet.
– Dizziness/vertigo and palpitations. This is a big medical mystery that started up in July 2021 and got worse after my 2nd viral exposure in Oct 2021. (The 2nd time I barely knew I was sick. So different.) My main medical person did bloodwork, everything came back fine. The cardiologist said I have one of the healthiest hearts he’s seen. (Huge relief) I’ve tried eliminating caffeine and other common food triggers, but it didn’t make a difference. It’s possible there’s an anxiety issue related imbalance, but no one really knows for sure. Things will happen at random times, and I can’t figure out if there are any particular triggers.
– Depression & anxiety. From suicidal ideation to internal panic attacks to ADHD type of symptoms, it’s been a huge process. During the pandemic shut down I decided to get some orthodontic issues taken care of, which includes being in braces. The best part about the braces is I can use them as a (legitimate) excuse for not being able to talk well. Conversations are hard. Being around friends & family can be difficult. I’ve become more withdrawn to work through the emotions.
– Recurring Shingles outbreaks. This has been a pain for about 19 years. Whenever stress levels get too high AND my immune system is weak I’m at risk of shingles popping in to say hi. It’s been a constant reminder to do the work and stay calm. I thought I had it pretty much under control and had been able to stop taking medication. This past year has been a struggle.
This list is merely the “big” long term issues brought on since the personal invasion.
Occasionally other things come up that’s like “yup, you’re something to do with THAT thing aren’t you.” So what is this Pillars thing I mentioned earlier?
The Pillars of Transformation is a process I created to help me get through life’s bull shit. It’s constantly evolving, but let’s talk about the main highlights.
– Positive thoughts. Some people spout off about finding gratitude every day. Yeah, that’s fine and dandy, but some days, if you’re in an extremely depressed state or have had a literal day of hell finding something to be “thankful” for can be impossible. Instead of finding something that gives you a humbling “thank you (insert whatever belief system you want) for this thing” mentality, I prefer to focus on things that just don’t suck. It can be a funny meme, a beautiful thing to look at, the hottie that smiled at you last week….it doesn’t matter as long as it is something that is a positive. I try to begin and end each day with a positive. How do I do that? In my bedroom I have reminders on the walls of my travels. Every time I see one, it invokes positive memories. At night, even if it’s been a shit day where I’m ugly crying into my pillow, I’ll flip it over take a few big breaths and keep thinking about something that’s not related to life’s ugliness. Am I “grateful”? Not necessarily, but it’s a distraction that has so far affectively helped rework my brain.
– Boundaries. Boundaries are reflection of you, even though they do have an affect on others. The tricky part about boundaries is to be true to you, but not act like an entitled narcissist all the time. While I was sick and injured at the end of ’19 and well into ’20, I had to set limits on what I could do around the house and with my household members. Things that I “normally” would have done may not have been an option. For example: if I had to go in for PT, “normally” I could also take care of other errands. While I was still having issues breathing it was PT then home, no I’m not going to do that extra thing; if you want it go with me and do it while I’m in my appointment.
– Nutrition. This is extremely important. You hear it all the time. It was difficult when the world shut down, especially after getting braces but that’s a whole other tantrum. At minimum, my juicing regime is non-negotiable. Also, I have certain vitamin supplements that are also now non-negotiable.
– Exercise. Movement was so hard at times, and once in a while still is. Here we are, 2+ years later and I still have physical issues. But I still push myself when possible to get essential movement in. Since starting the weekly Zoom fitness class, I do everything I can to make sure it happens. I’ve only had to cancel a few times to due being sick, appointments that couldn’t be at other times, or travel. Some weeks that’s the only “intense” day I can manage, but I do as much as I can without putting myself down for it.
– Clean it. Our spaces are a reflection of our energies. Yes, I actually believe that. My formal college education is in Interior Design, so I’m constantly doing projects. Besides painting or installing new floor, it’s important to plan regular sessions to clean/organize a space. That could mean spending your toilet time deleting all those emails you ignore. It could mean setting a timer and cleaning out the junk drawer. Maybe today’s the day you are actually going to donate all those old clothes. Even when I was in mental/emotional hell dealing with COVID and injuries, I forced myself to do small things to get rid of some of the clutter. It was something I COULD control when so much was out of it.
– Others. When we voluntarily give our energies away helping others, it is uplifting to the soul. I’m not talking about all that stay-at-homes do just to manage the household. I’m talking about doing something for someone else just because you can. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, in fact it doesn’t have to cost anything. Simple acts of kindness go a LONG way. When life ended, one thing I was able to do was take a (mostly) weekly visit to my other’s parents. The seclusion was extremely hard on them, and I didn’t give any fucks what the “guidelines” were, they were not going to be entirely isolated. One day per week we would go to their house to visit, play games, and help with any chores they needed. Then we would do our necessities shopping and go home for the next week. Those visits meant the world to them. We were safe, and cautious, never going in if someone in the house was sick. But simply being there didn’t cost anything extra, it made them happy, and we were able to create memories that stay in my heart forever.
It’s obvious that the bitch Rona kicked my ass. Hard. I couldn’t even tell those that are a part of my innermost circle how often I really just wanted to give up. Now, I’m glad I didn’t. Some days are still really hard, but overall things are easier. I don’t know if anyone will actually read all this, but I’m glad to now be able to share the journey.